You don't know what you don't know

When I was in Canada working as a Learning Advisor I was always advocating new course concepts. The usual reply I would get back was "Sara no one is asking for this!" My argument was always the same -- you don't know to ask for what you don't know exists.

I will use an example Owen would love. No one in Grenada knows what poutine is so no one thinks that they might like French fries, gravy and cheese. Once you introduce something new people can decide for themselves if it is what they want or need.

In the same way I saw this all the time in our leadership training, I see it in the educational system here. You don't know what you don't know. This week Aiden came home upset because his favourite teacher had hit a child with a belt- numerous times. The child had hit a girl and the teacher wanted to correct this. So what does that teacher do? He pulls out the only discipline tool that he has and uses it. He doesn't know that there are other ways to correct students behaviour, he has never been exposed to it and therefore he doing what he knows.

Of course in Canada if you hit a child today with a belt you would be arrested and lose your job. But we need to remember that it was within my lifetime (the last 30 years) where teachers hit students to "correct" them. In fact my best friend from public school vividly remembers being asked a math question with the teacher holding my pony tail and a pair of scissors. If she got it wrong he was going to cut my hair. She later (when we were adults) told me how terrified she was to get the answer wrong and it created a sense of terror for her in working in mathematics. So it wasn't so long ago that we  too were subjecting children to environments where they didn't feel safe and therefore couldn't learn.

I have always loved Maya Angelou's quote “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” So many of the challenges that face Grenada fall into the doing the best they can category, but with no one coming along to help them do better. I really believe in Cuso's approach to sending people not things or money because it is the exposure to new ideas that helps people move into a doing better mode.

Right now there is a program operating in Grenada called Conscious Discipline which is aimed at exactly this issue. Until you give people new tools for working with children they are going to use the old tools. What I really like about this program is that works on the adults first- because really if we aren't in control of our emotions, how do we expect children to be in control of theirs? Last week  they showed this amazing video of a mom interacting with her infant and how they mirror each other emotions. This dramatic real example of how, what I am doing impacts your inner state of being should be a wake-up call to all of us.

Apart from showing us that we are going to have a big emotional impact on those we come in contact with, it also should highlight for us that when someone comes at us in "a mood" they are going to change our inner state. Our challenge becomes how to maintain our composure when someone is pushing our buttons.

I am reading a quirky book called "Fitting In Is Overrated".  The author had an interesting suggestion for when your micromanaging, egomaniac, emotionally devoid manager/co-worker/parent/sibling/friend comes at you. He suggests taking a deep breath (always a good idea) and imagining this is a real time simulation in the Masters level course you are taking in being gracious under pressure. Clearly as a Learning Advisor this appeals to me. The reality is you will never change these people, but you can choose to learn from your interactions with them.

Another suggestion he had was to imagine the things they say all the time to make you feel less. Then when they do use that phrase you will see it less as an affront to you but more of an victory for you. I knew s/he would go there.... oh and look they just did. I have one person in my life who is constantly "surprised". Their "surprise" used to get me really angry, mainly because it is passive aggressive and dishonest, but now I see it as an expected outcome that can be predicted so I am never "surprised".

I also realize that people who are trying to make you feel small, whether that be a teacher who uses angry tirades or a co-worker who ignores you or whoever, have serious issues with their own self esteem. Your job is not to let them drag your self esteem down to their level.